Tom and I were in Ohio this week, largely because our society is not very accommodating of age.  I feel it somewhat as I get older.  When you go to some doctors, they discount your pain because it is “normal” in aging.  When you call a help line, especially about technology, they act like you are stupid.  As much I struggle with it, these problems are even greater for my mom.

My mom is 90 years old.  She is independent, smart, creative, and does very well on her own – most of the time.  She drives, pays her bills on time, and keeps up with events in world.  Face-to-face, Mom is as sharp as they come.  There are some things, however, she is finding more challenging.  Understanding business calls over the phone is one of them.  When Dad died, she had to apply for a credit card in her name.  This is something that could be done online, but she can’t do that on her own.  Or it could be done over the phone, but not, apparently, with help from one of her children.

It took over an hour for Mom to apply for the credit card with the person on the other end of the phone continually telling me that I could not speak for her.  I understand elder abuse is a problem, but it was frustrating for all of us as I tried to help her negotiate what the credit card person wanted.

My brother encountered a similar problem trying to help Mom with an IRS issue.  Mom got a letter from the IRS saying that she needed to call them about a problem immediately.  A few days later, when my brother was visiting, he called.  After an hour on hold, he finally got a person who explained the problem.  Mom’s accountant filed her taxes late (the accountant had filed an extension, so it wasn’t really late).  The return was tagged because it was filed so close to the date of Dad’s death.  They needed Mom to verify her identity to prove the return wasn’t fraudulent.

Although it could have been taken care of over the phone, Mom was not able to answer the questions well enough on her own to satisfy the IRS.  Steve was not able to help her answer the questions.  The IRS needed a clean recording of Mom answering the questions without help and she was not able to do it.  Although the agent tried several times, Mom got more confused as they went along.  Finally the agent said Mom would have to come into an IRS office to verify her identity.  Her options:  an office in Cleveland, Columbus, or Akron.  All of them over an hour from Mom’s home in Mansfield.

Steve set up the appointment for August 24 in Akron and then arranged to take the day off work so he could take Mom to the appointment.  He and Mom both had a list of the things she was supposed to bring.  When the day finally arrived, Steve picked Mom up and they drove the hour an a half to Akron.  After finding parking and walking “miles,” according to Mom, they reached the federal building.  They went through the security checkpoint, only to be told by the gatekeeper that the IRS office in Akron had closed six weeks earlier.

I’m glad it was my brother with Mom on this day because I would have had a fit.  Steve is much more patient and low-key than I am.  Mom said he was the only reason she was able to stay calm and not start yelling at everyone in the building.  The IRS closed the office without calling Mom and rescheduling her appointment for another place.  It is possible they sent her an email – her ability to get email is hit and miss – or they sent her a notice in her online IRS account.  But she did not receive any electronic kind of notice they sent.  She did not get a phone call or a letter, the forms of communication she can notice and understand.

My patient brother spent another hour on hold with the IRS when he and Mom returned to Mansfield.  He got the appointment rescheduled for Columbus on September 1.  But he and my sister both have to work, so Tom and I have made the drive up to Ohio to take Mom to her appointment.  Tom dropped us off at the Federal Building downtown and Mom and I walked into the office with the stack of stuff we needed to bring.  Even though we were 30 minutes early, we got in immediately.  John, the person who helped us, told us what he needed.  Mom gave it to him, he hit some buttons on the computer, and we were done.

There are so many frustrating and confusing things going on in Mom ‘s life right now.  Mom is doing a brilliant job of coping with everything.  Dad has been dead almost four months and she is still adjusting to the new normal of having to do everything herself.  Email and online accounts do not help when she wants to be independent.  Instead, she has to rely on her kids and grandkids to deal with technologies that are often as confusing to us as they are to her.  I am not sure how other elderly widows and widowers cope with these kinds of things.  Goverment and businesses are certainly not trying to be accommodating.

I am thankful that we got the IRS business handled.  I am also thankful that Mom has wonderful kids and grandkids that are helping her when she needs help.  We are all blessed to have each other.  I wish bureaucracy could be more accomadating.  Maybe the IRS could concentrate on going after billionaires instead of an older, recent widow.