I recently finished reading the book “Mattering” by Jennifer Wallace.  Usually I would add this to my top 10 books of 2026 and deal with it at the end of the year.  But I found this book so impactful and helpful that I want to share it with you now.  I’m sure it will also show up at the end of the year on my top 10 list.

“Mattering:  The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose” is just the book I needed to read at this moment in my life.  Wallace defines mattering as “the feeling that we are valued and have an opportunity to add value.”  During my 30 years as a pastor, I felt like I mattered all the time.  In fact, I probably mattered too much!  In the 12 years since I retired, I have found purpose in travel and in working in the national parks.

This winter I struggled with feeling like I mattered.  Tom and I did not go to Fort Frederica National Monument for two reasons.  First, my dad broke his leg and my parents needed us in Ohio.  Secondly, Fort Frederica did not save us an RV space.  We told them last year we were coming back, but when we contacted them in the fall, they did not have room for us.  After working at Fort Frederica for eight years, putting my heart and soul in what I did there, I felt like I did not matter.

The winter was an odd one.  I spent a lot of time with my parents and felt like I was on-call and couldn’t make plans.  But I also spent a lot of time at home sitting around, wondering what to do with myself.  If we were in Ohio full-time, I would get involved with some volunteer organizations here.  Aside from my parents, I was feeling like I wasn’t adding value anyplace.  All of this was rolling around as a vague feeling of discontent.  Reading “Mattering” helped me understand how I was feeling and think about how to change it.

The book is an orderly progression of research and stories collected during Wallace’s research.  She begins with defining the Mattering Core and then devotes one chapter to each core:

• Recognition: You and your actions are valued, and your absence would be felt.
• Reliance: You feel needed because others depend on you.
• Importance: You feel significant because you’re prioritized.
• Ego Extension: You feel cared for because others are invested in your well-being.
• Attunement: You feel deeply understood and meaningfully responded to.

Each of the chapters was clearly written and easy to read.  There were plenty of anecdotes that helped me understand the points Wallace was making.  The chapter on Importance was especially meaningful to me.  It was quite a blow to my ego when Fort Frederica said they didn’t have room for us.  It is something that I struggle with as I get older – older adults just aren’t valued in our society.  In one of the anecdotes, the person being interviewed states, “one of the hardest parts of getting older is that people stop investing in you.”

In once section on caregiving, Wallace writes about the difference between obligation and responsibility.  “Obligation comes from the Latin obligare—to bind. It implies duty without choice. Responsibility, by contrast, comes from respondere—to respond. It’s grounded in agency. Where obligation says “you have to,” responsibility says “you can.” One feels like weight, while the other feels like an invitation. When we conflate the two, we miss something essential. When no one depends on us, a sense of purposelessness can creep in. As counterintuitive as it may seem, too much freedom without meaningful responsibility can leave us feeling hollow.”

One of the later chapters of the book helped me diagnose where I was feeling discontented.  Wallace asks these questions:  “This is where the mattering lens becomes so powerful. Beyond just the ache of feeling left out or unimportant, the mattering lens invites us to get specific and ask: What aspect of my mattering has taken a hit? Am I feeling unseen (a loss of recognition)? Am I missing the feeling that others depend on me (a loss of reliance)? Do I sense that I am not a priority to my boss, my friends, or my family (a loss of importance)? Has my sense of being understood and deeply connected to another been shaken (a loss of attunement)? Do I feel like no one is invested in me—or that I’m not deeply invested in anyone else (a loss of ego extension)?”

Once I diagnosed myself through these questions, Wallace suggests some responses and ways to feel like you are mattering.  One of the things I decided to do was write mattering notes.  When I notice someone doing something important to me, I decided to let them know.  So far, in the two weeks since I finished the book, I have written notes to my pastors, the church pianist, and my two senators.  I want all of them to know that I notice what they are doing and that it matters to me.

“Mattering” is an easy book to read but one that I have continued to think about every day since I read it.  It has been a very important book to me and I keep recommending it to others.  I think my next mattering note might be to Jennifer Wallace, to let her know!